Today, Mike preached about Life.. Many of us look at life and we get so wrapped up in reaching our destination.. we forget what life is about.. We forget/ignore that God has sent each and every one of us on our very own journey and we are all a part of his journey. Every one of our situations are part of God's plan.
As I sat in church this morning listening to Mike preach I found my mind wondering .... I started telling myself... This is you.... I'm so wrapped up in meeting milestones and doing everything perfect. All the way down to my scheduling and making sure everything has a time and place. Our life would be unmanageable without a schedule this I know.. I cannot possibly achieve my daily tasks without time management.
But the point of all this babble is ... ..
I'm so concerned with..
-Will she walk?
-Will she talk
-Will she always need monitors and oxygen?
-Will she ever goes 6 months or even a year without being hospitalized?
-Will Maddie become the strong willed child I'm trying to raise her to be or will she eventually get so wrapped up in the stress from our daily life that she will lose sight of who she is and who are family is as a whole?
-How will I handle when a condition arises that we cant find a treatment for ?
-Will Kory and I continue to stay strong... Will our marriage survive all this stress?
I'm so wrapped up in all these questions which can all be considered DESTINATIONS in my life.. That I haven't been realizing the beautiful JOURNEY God has chosen Kory and I to lead. As I look back, my part in her journey took place early in my pregnancy when doctors warned us that if she survived my pregnancy it would be a miracle because I was so sick (hyperemesis gravidarum) that she wasn't getting hardly any nutrition what so ever. As time went on and delivery approached a new fear was found.... Doctor's examined Emma and I through doppler ultrasounds that took two hours minimum. These ultrasounds were performed a few times a week to check from 31 weeks to 37 weeks when I delivered. What they discovered was that Emma and I had a two-vessel cord that wasn't supplying the appropriate amount of blood or oxygen she needed. Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist assured us that our baby was safe inside and she would be safe once they were able to deliver her and help her if needed.... however, the time in between.. labor.... was where our problem lied. .. The longer I was in labor the less blood flow she would have ... the longer and stronger the contractions the higher the risk. A Cesarean was not an option because of how unstable my health was. My specialists felt that we had a better chance of both of us surviving delivery if I delivered vaginally. By better chance I mean 30% chance of both of us surviving instead of 20%. . . . So here Kory and I were ... scared to death-LITERALLY- Everyone around us had heard the doctors say.. "We can't make any promises for either of you.."
I always believed in God. However, I didn't live my life the way God had planned for me to live it. When being faced with a situation that I may not survive ... I was terrified... Was I going to die?.... I told myself if I can make it through delivery this is the hardest thing I will ever be faced with in my entire life... (Again I was focused on getting there..reaching that destination..
When in reality those were the last few months that Maddie would ever have a normal child. . . I was so worried about reaching that destination in my life that I lost precious time in my journey that God has blessed me with.
My life has been and continues to be a roller coaster... I am only human... although some of you think I'm supermom.. (which I admire and appreciate the praise) ... I too am scared.. I am weak at times... I cant always hold back the tears when I'm asked the ever so famous "How do you do it?" (Did I mention we hate that!!!!!!!)
However, this is the life I was blessed with. This is not "the card I was dealt"... I am honored to have been blessed with Maddie and Emma, as well as being a wife to Kory. Believe me they are all three full time jobs.
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What is the point to all this rambling?.......
Whether or not you know it, many of you are too busy speeding to your destinations... to enjoy things in life. God doesn't care if you are first or last... God doesn't care if your five minutes late?.. Why do we ignore the beauty of our journey because we have to reach our destination? In all honesty... we have all heard "Rome was not built in a day." ... if it were, would it be as beautiful? If marriage was easy, would we appreciate it? Quite frankly, if Emma were healthy I wouldn't be 1/8 of the woman I am because of her and all that she has taught me. I regret not living life for the journey before I was forced to. God may be teaching me a lesson or using me as a lesson for all of you... Live your Life, day to day. . . My entire life changed in a split second and I have grown so much from it but still have so much further to go before I am where I feel I need to be. (I guess as Preacher Mike said today.. I'm wandering, I'm living in that space between where I am and where I want to be but I'm working on it. I'm trying the best I can to be the best I can be,.. From this day on I'm not worried about destinations, I'm focusing on our journey.
I hope that the journey God has sent our family on inspires you to forget the destinations and enjoy the journey. God doesn't care when you reach that destination if you haven't achieved what he meant for you to achieve on your journey.
As always thank you for following Emma's Story and I hope that she continues to inspire you as well as us. :)
*I have included some pictures that spoke to me .. I hope you enjoy.. None of these images were taken by me they are just inspiring pictures that I have found in the last few weeks.*
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